Author: Julie Maltby

It’s Mental Health Week in Canada and the Canadian Mental Health Association is calling on us to be kind because compassion connects us all. While we should strive to treat each other and all living creatures with kindness every day, I appreciate all efforts to resuscitate our basic humanity. Raising awareness is especially important during this period of increased tolerance for hate, bullying and lack of empathy in human interactions. I respectfully ask that you bring even more compassion to your interactions with those who are struggling with their mental health or grieving.

Grief isn’t a mental illness. While grief can be complicated by mental illness, it’s a natural, loving response to losing something or someone that was important to you.

Signs of grief aren’t usually symptoms of mental illness

For far too long, the medical community has pathologized grief. In other words, doctors have diagnosed grief as depression and prescribed medication to help patients who are grieving to feel better. I don’t believe it’s healthy to try to find a way around the sadness, anger, guilt, resentment and myriad other emotions of grief. If you can avoid them today, those feelings will find you tomorrow. It’s normal to also feel relief, hope and joy while coping with loss.

This tornado of emotions can feel confusing and like you’re spinning out of control or going crazy. These feelings are signs of grief and not always symptoms of mental illness. If you’re struggling to function, that’s a different story. Please seek help if you don’t feel any joy or hope about your future. That help can be coaching, counselling, group support or a visit with a caring friend.

Find your compassionate tribe

If your tendency is to self-isolate while you’re grieving or to shy away from having a conversation with someone who’s coping with loss, remember that compassion connects us all. So, if you’re grieving, reach out to your friends and others who care about you – they want to be there for you. If someone you love is grieving, your gift of compassion connects them to life and love at a time when they may feel like they’re drowning in death and loss.

And share that kindness and compassion with yourself. Lots of evidence shows that how we talk to and treat ourselves impacts our mental and physical health. You deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion every day.

How do you like to show compassion to yourself and others?

Remember when you were a child and everything was about creative expression and play? We didn’t put paint on the page or glue popsicle sticks together to win the approval of others – at least not until we were taught that external approval is a measure of our self-worth, but that’s a subject for another day. The act of playing and being creative was both the objective and the reward.

Photography is a fulfilling form of creative expression for me – I see beauty wherever I look now. I’ve taken thousands of photos using only my iPhone. I also take online courses so I can improve my skill and get more creative with photography than I dreamed possible.

Last week, I learned about a new editing app in my current course called the Artistic Academy. I can create watery reflections and add birds, lightning, the sun, fog and other cool effects. Creativity meets technology meets magic! All students are encouraged to post our photos to the Facebook community so we can share and ask for tips and tricks. I’ve learned a lot from the other photography students.

If they don’t play nice, don’t let them in your metaphorical sandbox

When I posted the first photo I created using the new app last week, I got several kind comments. And I got some negative feedback. I added a sun to a photo I took of a rainbow and someone pointed out the sun is in the wrong place. Another person said my photo “doesn’t make any sense”. My gut reaction was defensive. I said out loud, “I didn’t realize my photo has to be astronomically accurate to be beautiful!” The comment felt mean-spirited and unconstructive. And it discouraged me from continuing my learning and playing for a few days.

I took a closer look at why I reacted that way to the comments and what I can learn. I know unconstructive criticism doesn’t inspire me – it triggers feelings of self-doubt. I reminded myself to take what serves me and leave the rest. I also recalled a quote from author and fellow creative Elizabeth Gilbert:

Express yourself for yourself

So, what am I saying to you? Create, create, create. Express yourself for yourself. You never know what your creativity will reveal. The act of creating – like doodling, strumming a guitar on the couch, singing in the shower or taking photos on a nature walk – is where we experience joy and discover something new and often profound. Sure, I want my photos to capture and express beauty but they don’t always have to be – and they won’t be – masterpieces. They definitely don’t always have to be believable. It’s okay to get creative and to play. It’s wonderful to get creative and to play!

Humans want to believe we determine our health, our happiness and our future. Unexpected losses are painful reminders that life is messy, unpredictable and uncontrollable. Life is rarely what we expect it to be or hope it should be.

Losing a job is painful and we lose a lot more than financial benefits, like:

• A sense of purpose
• Identity
• Daily contact with people who became friends
• Routine
• Benefits, like dental and counseling through the Employee Assistance Program
• Perks, like holiday parties and gifts

If you’ve lost a job, have you found others don’t seem to understand the significance of the loss? You’re not alone – and it’s important you remember that.

Job loss is still often associated with a social stigma and internalized feelings of blame, which can increase depressive avoidance behavior. This means you may choose to self-isolate and not look for or accept opportunities to be around others.

At the same time, the availability of your social environment may decrease because without a job, your interactions with family and peers may change. This leads to further social isolation and increases depressive avoidance behavior.

You’re not alone

I encourage you to seek out those in your social network who are supportive and have a positive outlook that doesn’t annoy you. (You may know people whose perpetual perkiness would make you angrier – you might do well to avoid them.) Connect with those who know you and recognize your strengths regardless of your employment status. Don’t deny them the opportunity to be there for you – just as you’ve been there for them when they needed you.

During and after grieving, it takes effort to rebuild one’s confidence. Even when the loss isn’t about anything you did or didn’t do on the job, it’s common to wonder what you could have done differently to prevent it. That kind of thinking can take you down a dark hole and it takes support and effort to pull ourselves out.

This is a sample job loss cycle. It’s important to note that you may feel some or all of the identified feelings in any order and with no set timeline. There’s no such thing as “stages of grief.”

Eight years ago, I was “reorganized out of a job”. For years, every time I drove past the building of my former employer who let me go after years of excellent work, I flipped them off. Immature? Absolutely. Satisfying? Yup! That was one way for me to express the anger, sadness, disappointment, sense of injustice and myriad other emotions that needed a place to go.

Job loss doesn’t take everything from you

On the flipside, I appreciated and built upon the many gifts that job gave me. Just like death losses, non-death losses need and deserve to be honoured and grieved. This process will help you imagine and create a happy, healthy future. If you join my Grieving a Job Loss workshop, I’ll coach you to let go of what doesn’t serve you and to hold close what will help you feel ready for your next great opportunity. Check out the Services page on this site for the schedule of upcoming workshops.

For now, I’ll leave you with this question:

What gifts did you get in your past job that make you feel grateful?

The tagline for The Loss Art is “Honour your grief. Reimagine your future.” I wrote these words to capture the purpose of my business. I believe you can – and deserve to – live with hope and joy while grieving.

When you’re in the throes of grief, it’s hard to imagine getting to the other side. Your grief will influence who you are and who you’re becoming. However, grief doesn’t have to define you.

As time passes, you’ll have fewer and fewer waves of grief. Instead, you’re likely to feel moments of sadness while happy or happiness while sad because grief doesn’t ever go away entirely.

The good news is that you can choose how you grieve and set your own pace for living with your loss. A creative approach to grieving can help you move away from passive suffering towards actively making meaning of death and non-death losses. You can do this as an innately creative being.

You deserve to live with hope and joy while grieving

To help you focus some attention on the life you want to live while coping with loss, I’ve designed a workshop called Reimagine your future.

Like all gatherings and projects with The Loss Art, you don’t need artistic skills. It’s about the process, not the product – you may create a masterpiece worthy of framing or not and either is as it should be.

This is an opportunity to acknowledge the presence of grief in your life and to imagine the future you want. If you want to suffer less and live with more hope and joy, I’d love to have you join my Reimagine your future workshop in April. It’s being offered in person in Ingersoll and Port Dover. Learn more and sign up on the Services page of this website.

What do you say?

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this question: what would you tell a friend who doesn’t believe they deserve joy while grieving?

Please feel free to share your answer below and check back to see what you can learn from others.

Yesterday, I learned that a woman who shared a creative way to help me grieve less and reach for more died a few days ago. The last time we saw each other was at a large International Women’s Day event in March 2020 – just days before the world shut down.

I didn’t know Martha well but she left a lasting impression and helped to change my perspective about life and work. Many years ago, I applied for a job at the organization she led with commitment, determination, enthusiasm and compassion. I knew I’d learn all the right things from her. I didn’t get the job and while I was grieving the lost opportunity, Martha made sure I didn’t let my grief hold me back.

We grieve lost opportunities like we grieve any other loss

Martha called to tell me personally that she’d gone with another candidate. She expressed empathy when she heard the disappointment in my voice. She highlighted my strengths and encouraged me to apply to other organizations where she vouched for their leadership. And then she did something I’ll never forget.

Grieve less and reach for more

Martha recommended I establish my own Board of Directors – a group of caring, connected people who would support my success. She even offered to be the Chair of my Board! What a caring and creative way to inspire a fellow woman to keep reaching for her dreams and goals while grieving a lost opportunity.

While I didn’t follow through on Martha’s suggestion in a formal way, I have surrounded myself with smart, talented women who prop me up, take joy in my successes, tell it to me straight when I need an attitude adjustment and so much more. I make it a priority to do the same for them.

As I take a giant leap of faith in my first entrepreneurial venture, The Loss Art, I take inspiration from Martha’s faith in me. I’m working hard to become successful – by my definition – and I’m also allowing space for the universe to work through me.

I recognize it also takes a leap of faith to enter into a relationship with a coach. Let’s start by getting to know each other. Please share a comment below about how you have inspired by or inspired other women to keep reaching for dreams and goals, even in the face of grief. And learn more about me by watching videos I recorded just for you.

On this International Women’s Day, I celebrate women who live or lived a life worth remembering. In other words, I celebrate every woman!

Grief by Design blog post #1

You’ve probably heard about the five stages of grief.

Maybe you’ve used the term “working through grief.”

Perhaps you’re undertaking tasks and steps experts say are necessary to move through grief.

While these are popular ideas, you won’t read about stages or tasks here or anywhere on The Loss Art website. Why? Because the concept of stages of grief is a myth. And because I believe creating is a more joyful approach than working, whether you’re coping with loss or doing pretty much anything in life.

Welcome to my first post in a new blog series called Grief by design. As we go forward together, I invite you to read the blogs that speak to you – and I’d love for us to speak to each other. You can connect with me and each other by commenting below or on The Loss Art Facebook page. To reach me directly, send a message to julie@thelossart.com.

The Loss Art offers a creative approach to grief and bereavement support

I believe you can design your grief experience as part of a social and meaning-making process. Don’t worry – you don’t need artistic skills! As a certified Creative Grief Support Practitioner, I’ll coach and support you as you tap into your innate creativity to express a personal response to your loss and grief – in your own way.

Above all, you’re the expert on your grief experience. I’m here to help coach you on your journey of:

• Coping with loss
• Living with grief
• Healing after loss
• Feeling stuck anywhere in the grieving process

Check out the Services page to read about upcoming grief workshops and other strategies for coping with grief. All are designed to help increase hope and joy and to reduce suffering in your grief recovery.

Going forward, my blog posts will focus on singular topics or messages. They’ll reveal more about my approach to grief support and be written to inspire you to honour your grief and reimagine your future. By embracing creativity, you learn to find more ease in your everyday living and to engage in life again after loss.