Here’s an incomplete list of ways you can show up for someone you care about who’s grieving or struggling in any way.
Take practical action by offering – and then acting on – specific help
- “Can I bring a meal on Thursday?”
- “Would you like me to sit with you while you make that call?”
- Offer to do a specific task that needs to be done, like:
- Mowing the lawn
- Clearing snow
- Picking up groceries or prescriptions
- Taking care of small children for a few hours
- Invite them out for coffee, lunch or dinner – with just you or a couple close friends or family members, not with big groups
- Surprise them with a tangible gift, like a plant or windchimes or gift cards for self-care services or one of my Beauty and Strength and Grief photographic art pieces.
- Invite the grieving person to activities rather than assuming they won’t want to join you. They can say no if they’re not ready.
Follow through – consistency is empathy in motion.
Use presence as support
- Sometimes just staying – physically or emotionally – is the most empathetic act.
- Silence can be supportive when it’s intentional and attentive.
Respect boundaries
- Accept “not ready to talk” without pushing.
- Let people define what support looks like for them.
Listen like it matters
- Give full attention. This means no multitasking, no rushing and no considering what you’re going to say next while the person is speaking.
- Reflect what you hear: “That sounds exhausting” or “I hear how important this is to you.”
Validate
- Acknowledge feelings without minimizing them: “That makes sense given what you’re dealing with.”
- Resist the urge to jump straight to giving advice unless it’s asked for.
- If you have lived experience and feel comfortable offering compassion and time, here are a couple helpful ways to respond to a request for advice:
- “When I lost [my job, my mom, my home, etc.] it helped me to get outside a go for a walk in nature to clear my head and remind me there’s still beauty in life. I’d be happy to go with you, if you like. Would you like to go for a walk now or plan to do this in the next day or two?”
- “I wish there was something I could say to erase the pain you’re feeling. I can tell you it gets easier. The best advice I can give is to reach out to me and others who care about you when you need support. Don’t isolate yourself. You’re always there for us. We want to be here for you. If I don’t get it right, please tell me what you need and I’ll do what I can.”
Ask thoughtful, open questions
- “How are you coping?”
- “What’s been the hardest part for you?”
- “What do you need right now?”
- This question shows your support and willingness to help someone who’s grieving. Don’t be surprised if they don’t know. If that’s the case, think back to what you found helpful right after a loss and do it. Even if they don’t need what you give, they’ll appreciate the gesture, and the care and compassion behind it.
Match their emotional pace
- Sit with sadness instead of trying to cheer it away.
- Celebrate joy without hijacking the moment with your own story.
- Don’t internalize emotions that make you uncomfortable, like anger. You’ve put yourself there because you care and want to give the person space to feel exactly what they’re feeling without fear of offending you or pushing you away.
Check in later
- Remember important dates or challenges.
- A simple “I’ve been thinking about you” goes a long way.
- Make sure the support doesn’t stop. Stay connected just as you would before the loss. They are likely to feel abandoned by their loved one. While we know logically the person didn’t deliberately leave us, we were left behind, nonetheless.
Here are a few words and actions that don’t show empathy – and can even do harm
- “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
- This statement puts the onus on the grieving person to call or send a text when they’re exhausted and maybe wanting to withdraw for a while. They’re not likely to reach out. And they may not want to feel like a burden.
- Instead, show up. It’s often enough to just be there for them. Showing up with a coffee or a meal is even better. It’s okay if you can’t stay long. Knowing you’re there and that you care will make a big difference to them.
- Platitudes
- The last thing I wanted to hear from anyone following the death of my father was, “He’s in a better place now.” Platitudes like that one or “He lived a good life” are never helpful. In fact, they can cause harm. I don’t know where my dad is now. I only know I wish he was still here with me. And don’t get me started on “Time heals all wounds.” Time gives us distance from the initial pain and allows us to learn to adapt to our new life. So, time is helpful and healing, but grief lasts forever.
- Leaving when the person’s emotions become volatile. That’s when you need to stay. If you’re not prepared for outbursts of anger, deep sadness, blaming anything and everything – maybe even you, wait until you’re ready to sit with these potential emotional releases before offering to visit.
- This is where knowledge of grief support methods can be helpful. If you’re not prepared to be there in this way for a grieving person, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you’re not empathic. It simply means you’re not ready for all the emotions right now. Show yourself some compassion. You’ll be there for them when you can.